Ever feel like you’ve been putting in hours of work on something but you don’t seem to be making progress? That was how it felt when I first started on my healing journey. It was if I was running in place or on a treadmill and never getting anywhere. I would read books to learn about trauma and go to counseling; however, I wasn’t making much progress. I felt like I was running in place.
To get off the treadmill to no where and really begin the healing, I had to get honest. Honest with myself and others plus be willing to share the details as necessary.
Honesty is a big word. It’s easy to say, yet when dealing with trauma it is difficult to push away the survival techniques and open up the secret box. It’s scary to start the process because it feels like opening Pandora’s box. I spent so much time and energy keeping it locked shut that the idea of opening it was overwhelming. I had peeked in the box occasionally and shared a few limited details, but I had never really consciously opted to keep it unlocked. Would it be like a flood? The fear of remembering and not being able stop the lingering thoughts in my head was almost debilitating.
There was something else also holding me back. Professionally my career was growing. My personal failures ignited the fuel for my career. I learned to compartmentalize at an early age, so when my personal life was in turmoil, I channeled my focus on work. I excelled. Would my performance at work suffer? I didn’t trust myself. Yet, I knew I needed to embark on this healing journey – if not solely for myself, for my daughter.
I decided despite my fears that I wasn’t going to run in place anymore. I would open up and shine a light in the face of the darkness. Through this continued journey, my built-up fears were unfounded, and there has been no regret. Plus, unexpected benefits have been welcome surprises.
Get honest with yourself. It’s worth it.