This week in March has been difficult emotionally.  At the time I didn’t realize, however it’s been clear this week that Colby passed away the week of Garrick’s birthday.  My heart goes out to my mom who has the burden of remembering a birthday and date of death anniversary all in one week this year and every year to come.

Yesterday, I just had a private moment to remember without cake or a family gathering.  Today, I wonder how many other people remembered. And, if because I didn’t “post” something, if they think that I forgot.  Honestly, I feel guilty.  I think sometimes that people don’t know how sad I am about my siblings passing and they think I’m cold about the whole thing.  I care what others think, and then on the other hand, I don’t care what others think.  I didn’t post on Colby or Garrick’s memorial Facebook page or update my status with thoughts about this week.  I didn’t bake a cake to celebrate Garrick’s birthday in remembrance.  No, instead I’m posting on this public blog, but somehow it seems more private.  It’s on my terms I guess.  I feel like my feelings are special, cherished.  And Facebook is so, well, common.    What is also weird, is that normally I’m an open book…wear my emotions on my sleeve type of person. These emotions are just too deep, I might bleed to death if I tried to share too much.

It sucks growing up with siblings and now being the only living child.  Somehow, other people will never be able to relate to your childhood stories and laugh about those awkward moments quite like a sibling, not even a parent.

I sit here with tears flowing while typing. Life won’t ever be the same.

Moral of this story:  Don’t let anyone tell you how to remember your loved one.  You do whatever feels right to you.  Don’t feel guilty.  If you want to have a big party in remembrance, do it!  If you want to have a private moment, do it!

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