It’s not like I try to take time for granted.  There is just always so much to do.  And when I do have a moment to spare, can’t I just do something fun?  I’ve definitely learned the hard way not to leave words unspoken.  I thought for sure that I had another year or two of my dad being alive.  On top of that, less than 2 months after dad passed away, my brother committed suicide.  It was horrible.  The feeling of being so pissed off I wanted to punch someone and so sad all at once.

A little background:  I hadn’t really spoken or spent time with my brother in years.  We had our issues from childhood, and then again as adults.  There is so much I could say about this topic, but I’ll save it for another day.  It’s not that I didn’t love my brother – I did, very much.  I just didn’t agree with him, and the drama surrounding his life.  I knew that he needed help.  I should have pushed harder.  I didn’t think anyone would listen.  Even now, I don’t know if it would have mattered.  Regardless, I’m ashamed of myself.  On another hand, I also believe I did what I needed to for my family – kept my distance.

When dad died, I knew it would be hardest on my brother.  Not because the rest of us loved dad less, or he loved dad more.  Just some people have a hard time dealing with life.  I mean, I was extremely sad too.  But, his mind always worked a little different than mine.  I thought maybe we’d reconcile our differences, at least on some level, and build a new relationship.  I thought I had time.  I thought, it might take years, but we have time.  I was so wrong.

The final text message I received from him said “I’m sorry.”  I only wish I would have called him right then.

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