It’s not like I try to take time for granted. There is just always so much to do. And when I do have a moment to spare, can’t I just do something fun? I’ve definitely learned the hard way not to leave words unspoken. I thought for sure that I had another year or two of my dad being alive. On top of that, less than 2 months after dad passed away, my brother committed suicide. It was horrible. The feeling of being so pissed off I wanted to punch someone and so sad all at once.
A little background: I hadn’t really spoken or spent time with my brother in years. We had our issues from childhood, and then again as adults. There is so much I could say about this topic, but I’ll save it for another day. It’s not that I didn’t love my brother – I did, very much. I just didn’t agree with him, and the drama surrounding his life. I knew that he needed help. I should have pushed harder. I didn’t think anyone would listen. Even now, I don’t know if it would have mattered. Regardless, I’m ashamed of myself. On another hand, I also believe I did what I needed to for my family – kept my distance.
When dad died, I knew it would be hardest on my brother. Not because the rest of us loved dad less, or he loved dad more. Just some people have a hard time dealing with life. I mean, I was extremely sad too. But, his mind always worked a little different than mine. I thought maybe we’d reconcile our differences, at least on some level, and build a new relationship. I thought I had time. I thought, it might take years, but we have time. I was so wrong.
The final text message I received from him said “I’m sorry.” I only wish I would have called him right then.